Long Time...

Well, I thought about deleting my blogger because I havent been on in a long time, but I figured I could still use it when I get my urges to write, so here I am. What has happened with me lately?? Well, I have made it to the 20's, several times, only to go right back up to the 30's. I'm so tired of it. But ya know, I am doing much better. I'm actually trying harder to overcome my ED. The days are still hard as hell-o, but I get through them easier. Anyways, I don't have alot to say tonight, bc I just ate some buffalo chicken strips, spanish rice, cornbread, sprite zero, and twizzlers, so I'm definately back in the 30's. But tomorrowe is another day, and hopefully I can stay on top of being here this time. God bless to all my followers!!

Gone With The Wind...

Well, it's been a while...things are not going too great at all. I am still losing weight, which I'm pretty happy about, I'm now almost to the 20's. I still havent been able to sing in church like I have been wanting to do for a long time, and to make things worse, a guy sang a song this past Sunday..I was furious, it should have been me up there singing. But oh well, life goes on. Who really cares. I had a very very bad night this past saturday and that's all I will disclose about that day...Today wasnt that bad, I took my gurl, Lah, to work this morning, then stopped by the old clubhouse to visit. A little upset bc my counselor was there and she didnt even speak to me besides the usual how are you...then I came home and went to the store, where I got yogurt, pickles, powerade zero, water, carrots, and ice cream. Great shopping list huh? lol. Since then been chillin with my gurl, Lah. I'm so hungry but I have already eaten a yogurt, carrots, ice cream and pickles today. Way too much!! If my weight goes up Im going to be furious. I'm so close...well, not much to say. Thx for checkin in!! Ttyl

Stuffed Unconscious

The little girl reached out arms for love,
and with arms returning empty
She asked herself,
"What can I have?"
The little girl looked all around
and food answered her,
smirking smile
on plate after plate,
She gave it the voice
to tell her,
"I love you"
because
she didnt think anyone
did-would-could,
She heard the food
speak to her
first
in loving, soothing
comfort
every sensation
every touch
love was in every bite
she took,
so she took
more and more
hoping
she'd be filled up
enough,
Feast after feast
she thought
would release her
to the high comfort
of being full,
The little girl kept feeding
Too much,
never enough,
Stuffed unconscious
Feast unaware-
At the end of every spoon-fed feast-
emptiness
No matter how much she ate
She couldnt get full,
And she was left with only
a bitter taste
and a regret
that was
her
fat
unacceptable
body.

-Sheryle Cruse- from Thin Enough

Lake Day Continued

Well, I'm home from the lake. I had a blast. The boat was not that bad at all, it was very relaxing besides when the waves got really big and I came out of my seat, that scared me. But it was peaceful and very nice. I swam alot, but can't say I actually enjoyed it, one, I cant swim that well, and the current was very strong so it scared me, and two, all I could think about was "keep moving, dont stop, swim, swim swim, if you dont keep moving you won't burn calories, stop floating and swim, burn calories, if you swim maybe you can eat today, work it!!" So needless to say I had fun in the water but it wasnt as enjoyable as it could be. After that, on the way to the marina restaurant I really started to get nervous, I was so hungry but tried debating on whether I would eat or not, I still felt like the swimming wasnt enough, I was still too big. By the time we made it to the restaurant, I was feeling very lethargic and a bit weak, I was scared my legs would give out, it was a struggle to even hold my head up, but I couldnt act weak, everyone would know, I had to be strong, so I stumbled unnoticeably up the stairs to the cool inside of the restaurant. As soon as the cool air hit me I thought I was going to faint, All I had the energy to do was stare forward and respond if someone happen to talk to me. Sitting down, I must have stared at the menu for atleast 10 minutes straight, debating on what to eat and even whether or not to eat. Eventually I gave in and ordered a side of fries, with ranch. I already had my 0 calorie water, though it was hot, so I asked for a cup of ice. My friend, Lah, ordered a side of fries also. I was so hungry, as soon as my food came, I quickly glanced to see how many ppl were looking at me bc I felt the whole table was, and dug in. Starting out slow and cautious but the more I ate, the faster I went. Quickly the first side order of fries were gone, as well as a cpl hush puppies with butter. Sitting there still feeling hungry, but knowing I couldnt eat much more, I ordered a second side of fries with ranch. Feeling very embarrassed when the waitress announces loudly "you want another side of fries?" I really didnt care anymore, I felt so hungry. After getting half way through the second side of fries, it hit me. The feeling of disgust and absolute hatred. I didnt even get a warning, it happened suddenly, if I ate one more fry I swear I would have puked. I couldnt even look at them without feeling queasy. I didnt want to, but I had to stop eating. I could not get sick. I excused myself to the bathroom, where I glanced in the mirror in complete disgust as I headed for the stall. I stood there looking at the toilet, waiting for my mouth to start watering, to start shaking all over, and for it to all come up...but it never did. After leaving the diner we took a group pic of the Life group, I struggled to put on the best smile I had, my stomach was killing me. The rest of the way in the boat was scary. I kept my head down in fear of puking. Once at the dock, I struggled to make it to the car without getting sick. Safe in the car, I was happy it did not take that long to get back home. Now that I'm home the sunburn on my face feels tight and sticky and it hurts a little. My stomach still hurts, alot. I'm still waiting to puke, any minute now...ugh. Well, overall it was a good experience, and I am happy I got to go, I just really wish I didnt have to struggle with the things I do on a daily basis that are so normal and day to day things for other ppl. No nagging thoughts when I try to enjoy myself, and no worries or fears about weight and body image, and definately no bloating and intense srtomach pain after the smallest amount of food is consumed. But I know for the most part I do this to myself, so nobody is to blame for the hell I go through on a daily basis but me. Sometimes I really dont understand why I do it to myself though. Believe it or not, I really dont want to live like this. I cant explain it and Im not going to try. Nobody will understand unless they have experienced it as well. So ta-ta for now. I'm not feeling very good at all, so ttyl

Lake Day..

Well, today I am going to the lake with my church life group and my gurl, Lah, is going with me. I am so hungry right now, and I'm very anxious about going. One, I'm not too sure about boats, I'm a little scared of them, two, I can't swim very well and I'm scared we may be in the water where I can't touch the bottom, three, I am wearing my swim suit and I'm worried about the way I look, I'm scared I will look fat..I'm very anxious. Plus, we are eating after we swim, at a marina restaurant and I have money, but only a little bit, and I am going to be starving when the time comes to eat, and I don't want to but I'm scared I might give in. I really hope nobody judges me today. It makes me mad bc i really used to not care what ppl thought about me, but it has become so different now. I dont want ppl in my life group, knowing I have an ED, to look at me and say, well she isnt that small, she doesnt look like she has an ED...etc. I am so worried. What if they see a fat roll when I sit down? What if they watch me if I eat? What if they stare at my stomach, or the stretch marks on my thighs, arms, breasts, everywhere!!? I am really excited about going but I'm so nervous. Well, I'm already so hungry, I wish I could just eat like other ppl sometimes, and not have to be tormented by ED, not have to believe the lies my head tells me, not have to worry about my body or how I look, not deal with dry skin, falling out hair, being cold alot of the time, stomach bloat, hunger pains, weighing myself, stomach growling in silence while every head turns your way...This just isnt fair!!! Well it wont be long until the ride is here for the lake, wish me luck...ttyl.

Obesity...

I had the most horrible experience today...so today was the last day of class. my teacher decided to go out to eat, at Lizards Thicket. I was already anxious to begin with. Not having money that was okay to spend in the first place, I didn't want to eat. My plans were the complete opposite in fact. So waiting for atleast 20 mins for everyone to arrive, I anxiously tapped my foot and stared out the window watching for someone from my class. Finally the teacher and 2 other students come in. I join them at a bigger table. We wait and eventually all the other students in the class file in. As we order, I get the most inexpensive and smallest, "safest" thing to eat. Wasn't planning to eat anything but I knew if I didnt order something I would get comments non stop, so I ordered. I got a side order of Country Skillet Apples, for 1.49$. The teacher sitting across from me asks if I'm eating, and I look at her blankly...Didnt I just order apples? While she orders the platter of fish and hashbrowns with toast, I start to get annoyed. She offers to pay for anything I want, and I tell her simply, I have money and all I want is apples. She continues on for another 2 minutes while I casually keep my eyes down on the table and assure her I'm not that hungry. When all the food is brought out, the waitress brings out an extra plate of toast. She offers it to me and I quickly turn it down, while others are screaming across the table, ooh me me me, I want it, I'll eat it. Mindful of their plates of oversized portions, filled with grits, eggs, sausage, bacon, pancakes, waffles, fish, and the many cups of coffee, tea, and orange juice. I silently eat my apples, cut into many small pieces, chewing mindfully, sipping on my bottled water. As I glance up I am disgusted to see my teacher spooning a spoonful of hashbrowns, and fish into her mouth, and as it drips off her lips, she takes a bite of her jelly toast and sips her tea. Afterwards glancing down quickly to be sure nothing dripped on her white blouse, lmao. It amazes me how some people eat. No wonder this world is obese, people dont take the time to ENJOY their food. And because they are uncomfortable with the portion sizes they eat, thay try to force the others around them to eat unGodly amounts to fatten us up and make them feel okay. I was so annoyed. I observed how everyone ate, nobody sitting at the table had the appropriate portion size, whole plates of waffles, pancakes, plates of eggs and grits, several links of sausage and bacon strips galore. I was feeling queasy. I was disgusted by the table of people I had to eat with. I was so ready to leave. Meanwhile the whole time being harrassed about the amount of food I ate. So, my serving of food was about the size of my knee, obviously already bigger than the portion size that is reccommended, which is a fist size, by the way, so I was so pissed. Not only can I not eat in peace I am badgered to eat more than I want, or need, simply because they eat too much. And to make things worse Im already feeling anxious about the fucking apples, drenched in cinnamon and sauce, I wasnt even planning on eating and now you want to harrass me for my bowl of apples!!! Can I fucking eat in peace!! Okay, I'm sorry, but I was so mad...I was so relieved when the teacher finally handed us our last test that is to be turned into her box on Monday and the certificates for our CPR and First Aid. I quickly gathered my bottle of water, wallet and helmet, paid my bill and rushed out to my moped. As I start it up, the teacher yells across the parking lot something Im not sure I completely understood but it sounded like be careful, take care, something like that...anyways, finally I'm on the road, on my way to freedom, at last, no longer will I have to deal with the teacher that seemed to care at first but later on expected me to smile every time I walked into class and forced food onto me, already knowledgable of my circumstances but obviously not minding it. I am free, finally, the road leading out of Lizards Thicket has never looked so bright...And still, I'm pissed about even allowing my selfish self to eat the apples, covered in cinnamon and warm apple sauce that is guaranteed to go straight to my stomach and add onto the already existant doughnut roll. I am feeling like a complete failure. I hate everything right now. So tired...

Fast..

Well, I have made it through most of the day, it's now 2:06 pm. I am very hungry but of course my mind tries to convince me otherwise. Hoping I can make it through the rest of the night. So dedicated to my goal weight, I HAVE to reach it!! Spent 4 hrs at the hospital waiting to see a friends new baby, but the nurses take forever. Home and very tired. Maybe a nap, maybe chill with friends, exercise tonight, and school tomorrow. Not really looking forward to it, bc my class is meeting at Lizards Thicket for the last day of class. I don't have money to eat but that doesnt matter bc even if I did I wouldnt so who cares. Guess I'll meet them with a bottle of water, lol. Well ttyl, going to chill with my gurl, Lah. Hoping to catch a nap, but ya know, it never happens when im with Lah, we have too much fun together, and she never stops talking lmao, matter of fact shes talking now and what's funny is I know she is going to read this, hahahaha. Love ya Lah. Well guys, peace out for now.