Recovery...

Well, it's 1:25 am and I'm still awake, there is nothing to do tommorow besides try to go see my friend in the hospital who is having a baby. I am feeling super bad right now. I had a great time chillin with friends and dancing to music tonight, but I can't seem to stay content. It never takes long before I start to feel down again. I am really upset about my eating habits lately. I can't seem to control anything, especially my eating. My grades have been slipping bc I can't focus in school bc of the constant thoughts. They are getting worse, as well as my compulsive behaviors. The semester ends next week, and I'm very anxious. I just hope I pass, that's all. I am really determined now, more than ever to get to my goal weight. I have stayed in the 30's range for a while now and I am tired of it. I am desperate to make it to my goal weight. Maybe even past that. Who knows for now. And I'm especially upset bc the apt complex I live in chose just the right time to make me give away my son, Pretti Boi. (my cat) I am already struggling more than ever in recovery and things are worse than they have ever been and to throw on top of that, I am now depressed bc I have to give away my beloved cat. I can't believe this. I am so scared. Thoughts of past behaviors have started to enter my mind again and things I don't want to fall back into are becoming more and more enticing the harder things get. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I shouldn't be but I am determined to reach my goal weight, no matter what, regardless of the risks, costs, and underlying factors. Right now, this is the choice I make and nobody can change my mind. I know I have to want better for myself, and that's the sad part is that I know that, yet I still choose to not strive for it. I guess that's how things go...who knows. Anyways, with everything going on, theres not much more to say but that I still feel a major depression coming on, and I don't know what I am going to do about it. Probably nothing at all, but only God knows what the next moment will hold, heck I might not even make it through the night tonight, who knows what the heck tommorow has in store. All I can do is try my best with the strength, willpower, and energy I have now. It's now 1:37 am. Goodnight!!